April Showers

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April is normally one of my favorite months of the year, but I find that with this April comes a hint of melancholy. I’ve been thinking just how much can happen in 365 days, and it is positively astounding. I think back to one year ago today; how different my life was. I had just returned from Ireland, and it was without a doubt the happiest time of my life. I look at this girl; so full of hope, overflowing with love, and for the first time in her life, completely vulnerable.

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In Ireland, April 2012

Part of me wants to warn her, and tell her to run. Another part of me wants to tell her to soak in and savor every minute of the next 5 months, because that’s how much longer  that utter joy will last. I want to tell her to slow down, and not to mess it up. If I would have told the girl in the picture above that in less than one year she would be living in South Korea, she wouldn’t have believed me. Now I love traveling, and I love living abroad. Travel has always held some sort of magical healing power for me in the past, but for some reason it doesn’t this time. I don’t know if it’s my age, seeing all of my friends getting married and having children, or the fact that Asia and I are not clicking. Or maybe it’s because the girl above had someone to share that love with. To travel with. I envy that girl, because for her, the search was over. Her days of meaningless romances followed by paranoia and self loathing were a thing in the past, and her life was for once right on track. I truly miss that. I’m tired of the search. Tired of having so much love to give and nobody to give it to. I suppose that patience is the key, and in the meantime I should just focus on other things that are actually in my control. Still, loneliness can just be hard sometimes.

~Courtney

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