April is normally one of my favorite months of the year, but I find that with this April comes a hint of melancholy. I’ve been thinking just how much can happen in 365 days, and it is positively astounding. I think back to one year ago today; how different my life was. I had just returned from Ireland, and it was without a doubt the happiest time of my life. I look at this girl; so full of Continue reading
There is something about moving away when things start to look good in one’s personal life that just doesn’t play out well for me. Everyone handles changes differently. I prefer to go full force at everything I do, and then just go cold turkey. Others prefer a more sufficient way in slowing things down. What is slowing things down anyway? Quite frankly, I think it is fear. The fear of not knowing, the fear of losing, or maybe just the fear of change. Don’t get me wrong, it is hard to go from doing something every day then not, but we all go through it. It’s gut wrenching, and it sucks.
Now, that slow down mentality does not work well for me. I hate being alone, and I’m not one to relax. I tend to be very restless. I’m a ballsy woman; granted those balls tend to shrivel up when I find myself head over heels for a man, but none-the-less they are there. I speak my mind, and I’m not scared to walk up to a hot mysterious stranger across the room and ask for a dance or a drink. I am also, not a violent person. I have never been in a fight and have never started one. Kill them with kindness, or a smart remark that has them speechless. (That second option usually works best for me).
Anyway, I am straying off topic. Slowing down. Why slow down in life? I hate to say it, but you only live once. We should be living life to the fullest, each and every day. Granted it took me 23 years to truly understand this concept, but now I do. We can’t live life wondering about the should’ve and have been’s, but focusing on the present. When that present includes leaving someone behind you truly care about and not knowing if it’s
“This is why I am glad you are coming to Chicago and South Korea with me…I have a hunch I will be forcibly removed from my shell with you there.” Courtney said this to me, and it pretty sums up who I am as a person.
Ok, I’m going to get just a little sentimental, so buckle up cause it doesn’t happen often. I cannot express how blessed I am to have had the chance to live in two other countries besides the United States. Before I studied in Argentina I was, to put it mildly, sad. My self esteem was in the toilet, I had no self confidence, and I just felt trapped and helpless; like happiness was just not destined to be a part of my life. Maybe I had a dementor lurking around me, I don’t know (If Continue reading
I am officially under the one week mark of my reunion with Courtney. You would think my excitement would be going through the roof. I get to see one of my best friends for the first time in a year, AND I get to travel to a foreign world. Don’t get me wrong I am excited, but I seem to have a lot of “What if’s?” following me this week.
1. What if I didn’t go?
2. What if I went back to school instead?
3. What if this is not the right choice?
4. What if I decided this too much on a whim?
5. What if Deputy asked me to stay?
All these “what if’s?” resonate in my head. I am not sure which is my right path, and I think once I begin this journey I will know. A big part of all these “What if’s?” is Deputy. I promised myself I would guard myself from any feelings that would seize up over the few months we had together. Now that our time has come to an end with me leaving on Tuesday, all these feelings have become apparent. Granted, it took an argument for me to tell him just how much he means to me, but it feels good to get it off my chest.
One thing learned, as much as you try and guard your feelings you can’t. We will see how this year abroad goes, and if we cross paths again maybe we can start over. (assuming all t’s are crossed and i’s are dotted.) Only time will tell on this scenario. If we do not find ourselves together again in the future, at least I know I have an amazing friend that has done more for me these past few months than other so-called friends. He has always been true, and always looking out for my best interest. For that, I am grateful.
I also promised myself I would not choose to not go because of a man. I have made too many decision in the past based on “what the man wants.” I am done. However, I am a hopeless romantic. I believe once you find the person you aren’t meant to be with you know. Granted this way of thinking may be due to my years of watching Disney movies over and over again receiving an unreal portrayal of life and love. Seriously, a kiss will never save me from being dead or a coma or even getting my voice back. I can however believe that if it is meant to be our paths will cross again one day, and that moment will depict whether we are to be together or not. Until then…
From Letters to Juliet —
“”What” and “If” are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don’t know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it’s never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn’t it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don’t know what a love like Juliet’s feels like – love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for but I’d like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I will have the courage to seize it. And….if you didn’t, I hope one day that you will.”
First off, can I please just bring to your attention that there are exactly three weeks until Meghan and I fly off to Seoul. HOLY TOESOCKS! And there are officially LESS than two weeks until Meghan comes to visit me and we embark on what will surely be the most ridiculous Windy Cindy adventure of all time; two women Continue reading